I love teaching groups of women about the art of splendid imperfection, about letting go of the rigid, hard, guilt-inducing parts of their lives. My mind is in a whirr, there's so much stuff in there - what bits will I use for this article I ponder. I don't want to miss anything out. I search through my books - lots to use in them - I flick through past workshops I've held, yes I can definitely use some bits from them, I sit at my computer, lovingly, the bringer of great joy and mountains of information, its orgasmic the information I access. I randomly print out reams of paper containing a multitude of useful tidbits that might come in handy. I think some more. I research some more. I think some more...and two weeks on at 4am in the morning whilst I am frantically searching for a lost document in my favourites, I am in a state of panic. I am at war with the computer.

My eyes start to close, my head starts to nod, I am ready to wave the white flag....when wham a sneaky realization hits me, with all my collecting and collating, I still haven't put pen to paper. Am I taking this splendid imperfection thing too far? No housework has been done, the dust has reached breeding proportions, the clothes look like a chinese laundry, my boundaries have bounded off, I haven't cooked real food since the dinosaurs where discovered, my bum is permanently glued to my computer chair, so only finger exercise has come into play, and talking of play, has funtime gone on a cheeky holiday? With my book laden shelves, and my bursting computer files, and my office floor a blanket of snowy white print-outs, am I trying too hard, did the alter eaglets creep in when I was asleep? Am I trying to be ....oh I just can't think it, let alone say it....perfect?

Ouch, that one really was a heat seeking realization that just exploded in my already upset mind. How can I teach the Splendour of Imperfect when I am a fraud, a parody of a headless chicken trying to live perfectly.

 According to Dan Millman...a wise old sage, my numbers 'indicate that all 31/4's (thats me) overcompensate for insecurity, strive to stay in a superior position due to fears of inferiority beneath the surface, their outward bravado (well I'll agree to the bravado occasionally) covers up feelings of self doubt and insecurity...'I just don't believe him! He goes on to say 'I'd do well in coaching or any form of creative communication' Mmm he could have a point, 'but in order to do this a process must be followed'. No I've decidedly gone off him, let me see what Byron Katie would make of all this, I feel sure we are connected. What's she saying - 'turn it around, what is it you don't really like about yourself'. Thats it connection severed. I am surrounded by how to's, what to's have to's....I put my head in my hands...I just can't write this article. I feel I am in a huge box of chocolates, there's just too much choice, I can't say stop now, that's enough. I have to find just one more piece of really good information, it might come in handy, I'll have all the answers, I will be revered, I will be exhaulted, people will come from near and far to hear my wise words.....I think I am now dreaming or have just looped the loop (plainspeak - gone round the bend -)
I am hearing voices, god am I really now crazy?

A soft caress in my ear...'let it go'...Who are you? I think I ask, ' I am your soul soother the voice melodically lilts...(gosh I didn't know I had one) 'I have always been with you...you just never hear me' Oh this voice, it's the voice of an angel, so kind so sweet...it continues it's tinkling ' and now Berni, it's time for you to STOP!' the voice has turned into a shrew, its shrilly, it could break glass, what a major disappointment. I sit bolt upright.

So much for the Soul Soother, more like the haggard harlot. ' Berni she says matter of factly, get rid of the miss gottas, ms have to's, mrs need to, start practicing what you teach" Jill said that didn't she, has she infiltrated my brain, has she turned into the wicked witch, has the caring coach been a big lie?  " No Berni I am not Jill, I am you, the authentic you, the real you, the you that tells you how much you're loved, how you are enough, how you are worth more than the opinions of others, the you that beseeches yourself to trust in your own authenticity, these are the things that you already know, this is the way that helps you to live a life of glorious, succulent, splendid, imperfection, with joy, passion, love and laughter....you just don't sit down to listen! You're always searching for that bit more. Well I, as your Soul Soother have had enough, you're wearing me out. If you stopped searching so much and just looked within - you would find you have the cornerstones to build your foundation, you have integrity, wisdom, self nurturing abilities and lots of empowerment".

I stay quiet for a moment, very unusual for me, mmm....perhaps instead of living my splendidly imperfect life, I think I have been using that statement to live a splendidly incompetent life, and that really, is not the ticket!

I muse a tad more, in my quest for my own version of splendid imperfection, I've jumped into the whirlpool of control, (if I can control it all will be okay) of ego, (I reallly need good feedback otherwise I am a fraud) of not being enough (how much do I have to do to be enough)

Another thud, a little gentler realization, I truly have strayed from the path of my own teachings, I give everything I have to others, inspiration, motivation, love, caring blah blah and leave none for me...Its time to loose the chains of control that I never really had - its time for me to dare to be enough, just as I am no more, no less. It's time for me to look at the lock of my vault of self worth, there is no key in there, I don't need anyone to unlock it for me, the door just opens if I turn the handle. I have been too busy looking for salve to soothe my soul - in the form of more knowledge, more paper, more, information. Heck if I had have just quietened my mind, good old soul soother would have popped up anyway.

"So my little mine of interesting factuals ...the angelic voice so soothing is back again, now you realize you already have the answers, start asking yourself instead of ignoring me...I am going for a snozette, my work is done for the minute,"

Slightly shrilly tone there, I thought, still I suppose even soul soothers get ticked off. Well, I determine, it's right back to basics, preach what I teach, tiny teeny steps to get you taking action, then stop, breathe, relax and listen. In fact, it is my intention hereonin to read my own work before other peoples, lay off the computer, leave the books in the shelves and look in the mirror and smile (well when I get my broken tooth fixed but thats another story!)

I am going to call my small steps, Cinderella Steps they'll move me from toil to a place of joy and beauty, splendid imperfection instead of incompetence, less worry, more fun, less heaviness, more laughter and lightness and the true knowingness of being enough, right here, right now.....speaking of Cinders, look what happened to that little chicky, if she had been too scared to try on the slipper, she'd still be cleaning out the fire ashes....that's a little snippet to think about!